Thoughts I’ve had about this blog since the last post I made, three days ago:
- I don’t know what to write next, I have no ideas
- No, I have lots of ideas, but none of them feel right
- I should be dong this on Tumblr anyway, that’s a better platform
- Yeah but nobody will read this no matter where it is so who cares?
- Shit shit shit Seanan McGuire just did a post about what I wanted to write about, and it’s great, and she did it on Tumblr! Shit fuck damn shit hell.
- I’ll never be as famous as Seanan McGuire.
- Seanan McGuire isn’t even that famous.
- I should just quit now.
Now comes the part of the essay where I refute the negativity of my previous statements, so that is what I shall do (even though, not gonna lie, I feel much more confident about the truth of what I’ve already said than the truth of what I’m going to say next).
It all comes back to what I said last time, doesn’t it? This blog has to be for me. Not to make myself feel like I’m a better writer, not to build up my own ego, not to fish for compliments from friends who kindly offer moral support by clicking links I put up, whether they’re interested or not.
It’s about output. It’s about putting words together, over and over, until it doesn’t feel like work anymore–or it still will, but it won’t be such a big scary sacrifice. I hear people who make their living as novelists talk about how they write for six, eight, twelve hours a day sometimes, and like, I know it’s like….tantric. I know they probably spend some of that time checking twitter, or doing research, or brainstorming or going through their old notes to make the story match up. Writing isn’t 100% words to paper the entire time. But I do all of that too, and on a good day, when I work hard, I do two hours.
And that’s fine too. But I’d like to do more.
It’s just like anything else. The more you do it, the better you get. You build skill and stamina, and hopefully your work gets better, but even if it doesn’t, you get better at doing it.
There’s only one thing that’s absolutely for certain sure: Nothing will happen if you don’t do anything. So here’s to not worrying about being good, not worrying about being famous, not worrying about being strong. Just being.
I’m proud to be here. This isn’t where I started.